Spring has finally arrived! The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the bees are buzzing (well, what’s left of them). Yes, we’ve come out from under our Netflix blanket caves and we’re ready for love!
So as you scan the smiling faces and still pale, pale winter skin across the park, what should you be looking for in your spring fling? Well, I know when I need any life advice the most reliable source is always, of course, television. And for the biggest life decisions, like who to throw come hither eyes at, I turn to the grand master of television sitcoms…Seinfeld.
In her infinite wisdom, here are some tips on what to look for, and what to look out for, in your spring fling, from the many trials and tribulations of Elaine Benes.
Find someone with a house in Tuscany
In season 7 Elaine hits it off with Bob Cobb. While she initially cringes in her efforts to refer to him by his preferred name, “Maestro”, they hit it off and eventually go to Tuscany together.
Just be sure not to tell your idiot friends about your plans or they’re likely to follow you there out of spite, just like Jerry did.
Well…kind of. In “The Wizard” Elaine dates racially ambiguous Darryl Nelson. After some not so sleuth sneaking around for clues about Darryl’s race, including getting him to fill out a questionnaire, she decides that to avoid offending him they go to only Spanish restaurants. She really is a ‘master of race relations,’ as Jerry quips.
Hook up with an all-star athlete
Elaine meets Major League Baseball player, Keith Hernandez in “The Boyfriend”. After immediately flirting with him, Hernandez takes her out. Things go great until she discovers he’s a smoker. Oh Elaine, so ahead of her time!
Look for that twinkle in his eye
In “The Wiz” Elaine falls hard and fast for blue-eyed Jack as she sees a little sparkle every time Jack flashes a smile.
Be forewarned however, that twinkle might have been born from something horrific, like Jack’s gig as “The Wiz”, a goofy character from a car commercial. This fling is over before you can say hoochie momma
, after Jack reprises his role and Elaine can’t disguise her embarrassment.
When you’re out there in the dating trenches you’ve also got to remember to keep your wits about you. Which brings us to our first warning:
Look out for tricksters
Like someone who might connive their way into a date, like Todd Gack, from the episode “The Calzone”.
Gack manages to get dates with girls by making bets he knows he’ll lose and promising to take the winner out to dinner, thus creating a “dating loophole”.
And, never ever get tangled up with…the “bad breaker-upper”
In “The Andrea Doria” Elaine goes out with Alan, a notoriously bad breaker-upper. When they eventually do break up Alan calls Elaine “big-head,” which she initially laughs of as “practically a compliment.” But after a bird flies directly into her “giant freak head,” Elaine gets angry and gets her revenge by jamming a fork in Alan’s forehead (of course an action not recommended, btw).
Scariest of all however, might be the flasher
Seriously, don’t let your serial dating lead to any serious offenses, like that incurred by Phil Totola in “The Stand In,” who decides at the end of their date to, “take it out,” without any provocation or warning.
Despite these ups and downs, there’s always bound to be a diamond in the d-bags. And remember, keep it light, not every encounter has to lead to a meaningful connection. For these purposes, the ultimate spring fling candidate has got to be the “mimbo”.
Elaine has a fling with Tony, in the episode, “The Stall.” Tony is a handsome but not so bright guy, who Jerry deems to be a male bimbo, or, mimbo.
Elaine enjoys her mimbo with little remorse until he goes on a rock-climbing trip with George and Kramer and their ineptitude leads to Tony taking a brutal fall. The fall damages Tony’s greatest asset, his face, and the relationship doesn’t last much longer after that.
Tragedies aside, the mimbo is still the perfect fit for a quick tryst…just remember not to let him go rock-climbing.